Do I need to stop thinking to let this go?
I feel like my mind is always bursting.
It's like a machine that likes to never shut down. I always have a lot to say. And 99% of the times my hands can't write and process the thoughts so fast. So, should I just start to write fast? Why do I value every single thing that I hear or say to others, huh? Why do I keep on repeating and repeating them in my head even though I didn't say anything wrong.
Why do I keep thinking? Because I have a brain, you'd say. Why am I the only one who feels suffocated by my thoughts? Yeah, yeah I know there are 7 billion people on earth and couple of them feel like this, but how would I know? Why am I thinking about mom screaming at me and slapping me for using laptop this late and then saying I can't sleep? It's 3 am and tried to go to sleep at around 1.30 and felt like I wasn't tired at all; heck I've not even had coffee in a while. Why do I feel like everything I do is gonna turn up wrong? Why do I feel like mom or dad would get angry at me every time I do something different than what I'm supposed to do when they haven't scolded me as bad as I think in my head since a very long time? Maybe, the last they did that was in 8th grade right? Because I didn't study and left my answer sheets blank and scored very less? Heck, I said about that to mom once and she said, "I don't remember." But, why do I think so low of me, still? Heck, I didn't even say it was because they were only focusing on my big sis and how it was her tenth, her first board class, of her and the whole family. Yeah, I blamed myself that time too. What's so wrong in me, huh, brain? Why do you think you're always at fault? Because you are always at fault, you never do enough.
I feel like every time I try to something to improve something in me, the other half of my brain says it's okay, it's not your fault. THEN WHY DO I ALWAYS GET TO THAT POINT OF HURTING AND TRYING TO GET BETTER???
It's like I'm never sure of anything. So capricious. I change by the wind. The wind is also fixed, it goes in one direction at a point and another at another.
Why do I feel like I'm wanting appraise at every instant of like? Because it's human nature and you're also caught in it.
Damn, I should really sleep, it's 3.30 already...
Very random but I want to see the art room of my school. I feel like I'm ignoring this school big time.Yeah, that's how random you are. Anyways, I'm not that random... I'm watching a Korean drama: School 2017 and just now 2 of the main protagonists were given punishment to clean the art room and seeing all those brushes in the cups was really exciting. Ah, I think there's any art room in this school. Ugh, why am I so random? I say/think something pretty emotional and wrecking and then I suddenly think of something pretty random and have a little laugh about it and forget about what I said/thought earlier and then, even after I have tried to speak to someone to feel a little less heavy, there's no impact. Because I'm happy again and I'm not thinking about sad again. And that feels like I've gotten over that sad feeling. Even my head feels that. And let a hours/weeks pass, I'm at that same type of thoughts again. But, I've supposedly gotten over it, right?
Ah, we're so complex, human beings.
It's like a machine that likes to never shut down. I always have a lot to say. And 99% of the times my hands can't write and process the thoughts so fast. So, should I just start to write fast? Why do I value every single thing that I hear or say to others, huh? Why do I keep on repeating and repeating them in my head even though I didn't say anything wrong.
Why do I keep thinking? Because I have a brain, you'd say. Why am I the only one who feels suffocated by my thoughts? Yeah, yeah I know there are 7 billion people on earth and couple of them feel like this, but how would I know? Why am I thinking about mom screaming at me and slapping me for using laptop this late and then saying I can't sleep? It's 3 am and tried to go to sleep at around 1.30 and felt like I wasn't tired at all; heck I've not even had coffee in a while. Why do I feel like everything I do is gonna turn up wrong? Why do I feel like mom or dad would get angry at me every time I do something different than what I'm supposed to do when they haven't scolded me as bad as I think in my head since a very long time? Maybe, the last they did that was in 8th grade right? Because I didn't study and left my answer sheets blank and scored very less? Heck, I said about that to mom once and she said, "I don't remember." But, why do I think so low of me, still? Heck, I didn't even say it was because they were only focusing on my big sis and how it was her tenth, her first board class, of her and the whole family. Yeah, I blamed myself that time too. What's so wrong in me, huh, brain? Why do you think you're always at fault? Because you are always at fault, you never do enough.
I feel like every time I try to something to improve something in me, the other half of my brain says it's okay, it's not your fault. THEN WHY DO I ALWAYS GET TO THAT POINT OF HURTING AND TRYING TO GET BETTER???
It's like I'm never sure of anything. So capricious. I change by the wind. The wind is also fixed, it goes in one direction at a point and another at another.
Why do I feel like I'm wanting appraise at every instant of like? Because it's human nature and you're also caught in it.
Damn, I should really sleep, it's 3.30 already...
Very random but I want to see the art room of my school. I feel like I'm ignoring this school big time.Yeah, that's how random you are. Anyways, I'm not that random... I'm watching a Korean drama: School 2017 and just now 2 of the main protagonists were given punishment to clean the art room and seeing all those brushes in the cups was really exciting. Ah, I think there's any art room in this school. Ugh, why am I so random? I say/think something pretty emotional and wrecking and then I suddenly think of something pretty random and have a little laugh about it and forget about what I said/thought earlier and then, even after I have tried to speak to someone to feel a little less heavy, there's no impact. Because I'm happy again and I'm not thinking about sad again. And that feels like I've gotten over that sad feeling. Even my head feels that. And let a hours/weeks pass, I'm at that same type of thoughts again. But, I've supposedly gotten over it, right?
Ah, we're so complex, human beings.
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